I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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