WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
