His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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