true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize