Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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