I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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