the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
