Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize