how can u be prego again
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
