me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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