my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
