my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
