Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
