I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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