my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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