I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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