***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
