Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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