did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
