he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
