The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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