It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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