Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize