Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
