omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
