sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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