Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
