Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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