Reggie can tackle my bush.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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