it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
it's like iHOP with fire
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
