I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
