3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My liver just had a heart attack.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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