Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We don't watch enough power rangers
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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