very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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