Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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