So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
