you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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