Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
