I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sorry about my life...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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