Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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