omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Small penises have feelings too.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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