i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have feelings that need drinking.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
