I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
