you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
