You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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