Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
