I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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