his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
