I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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