She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
