How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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