the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
