you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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