the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
