I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
