He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
