let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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