So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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