the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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