Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
