Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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