Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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