u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
