Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
