Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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