the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
