is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
