I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
