Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
